Nurtured Heart review, part 2 (continued)

Leg One: Avoid Energizing Negativity

Save Toys 'R Us for the right time - those times when your child is demonstrating desirable behavior or qualities. (Please keep in mind that this does not pertain to issues of safety. You must do what is needed to keep your child safe and that may require an immediate and animated response.)

Negative attention is ineffective on so many counts:

~ With traditional parenting, we often give out energy to the rules at the worst possible time. We can easily accidentally reward our child for breaking the rule.

~ Negative attention is also like junk food - it satisfies a craving but has no nutritional value. Instead it reinforces negative attention getting behavior. It also leaves us feeling badly about ourselves.

~ And, although unintentional, it reaffirms a child's belief that they are "bad." As a result, normal attempts to be positive with your child get defended against. Think about your own life. If you have a particularly stressful or conflicted week at work, it is very hard to accept or internalize a compliment.

Try to keep in mind that according to some research it takes 20 compliments to undue the damage caused by one criticism.

Think of a time where your reaction may have unintentionally "sent" a message to your child that they were annoying, a burden, or not to be trusted. If you could rewind that tape, is there something you might have done differently? Share your thoughts with us if you are willing.

As with Toys 'R Us: We get to choose what we radiate and how and we can choose to right this balance.

Remember also the amygdala. While some misbehavior cannot be ignored and may need to be addressed, keep in mind that there is a better and more effective time and place for this. We will touch on this more in a later post.

Nurtured Heart review, part 2

Happy New Year! Hope this finds you refreshed and looking forward to the coming year.

We are now ready to move into a review of the specific Nurtured Heart techniques. It helps to think of the Nutured Heart strategies as a three legged stool.

Leg 1: Refusing to energize or accidentally reward negativity: saving Toys 'R Us for positive behaviors;

Leg 2: Energizing experiences of success: noticing and complimenting;

Leg 3: Providing the right level of limit setting and consequences: setting and enforcing high expectations.

Just as with a stool, all three legs are equally important and need to be even in order for the approach to work well.

In our next post we will begin to talk about leg one.

Happy Holidays!

If you celebrate a December holiday, chances are your kids are becoming quite excited and energetic right about now. This is a perfect time to impress your friends and family using your Nurtured Heart strategies that we reviewed during November.

First of all, take a step back during those moments and, as the toll booth man, allow yourself to cherish their childlike enthusiasm. Would that we all could experience that unbridled joy.

But, we all know that good things also create stress. It is easy to forget this point and feel perplexed when our children exhibit signs of stress during the holidays. Whatever stress you are feeling they are feeling - without the coping mechanisms to deal with it that we, as adults, have picked up along the way.

If a situation is challenging try to determine which of the four basic human needs (power, freedom, fun, belonging) your children are striving to meet through their actions. Once you determine that, you can find creative ways to meet that need in ways that you feel are more appropriate.

During the hectic holiday pace, remember to be the Horse Whisperer: hijack your kids into success by maintaining some balance in their schedules. Kids thrive when they have predictability, adequate sleep, regular meals and healthy nutrition.

With all of the excitement, children often become over stimulated at the same time that they are fatigued from irregular schedules, less sleep and more activity. Just as in training Shamu, it may be necessary to adjust your expectations (lower the rope) for your children during this season. Often finding just a quiet moment to spend with your children giving them your time (relationship) while doing something together can be very soothing to them.

This is a busy, exciting time for parents as well. You may have the stress of hosting the entire extended family in your home, or packing to take the holiday "on the road". All this - while still keeping up with your normal busy lives. Keep in mind that children absorb their parents' emotions. Try to keep "toys r us" in the gift boxes. If you find yourself stressed and at the end of your rope, give yourself the gift of a little space.

Kids love the presents of course, but remember that the greatest gift you can give your children is your relationship with them. We wish all of you a warm and loving holiday.

Nurtured Heart Review, part 1 (continued)

4. toys 'r us - saving our big reactions for the right time. Your children look up to you and want your attention . Use that relationship to your advantage and that of your children.

Based on our normal reactions, it is easy for children to conclude that the best way to get more attention is by misbehaving or having problems. An occasional "thank you" or "good job" pale in comparison to the passion we often display when we're upset. As a result, children can feel invisible when they are doing the right thing and quickly learn that the best way to get your attention is to misbehave.

Try to correct that imbalance. Remember to be calm and dispassionate when correcting your children and save your enthusiastic, animated responses to reinforce their positive choices--doing so will greatly increase the liklihood that those choices will be repeated in the future.

Thoughts? Questions? Comments?

Nurtured Heart review, part 1 (continued)

3. the horse whisperer - hijacking children into success - failure is not an option. Children often view themselves in a negative light - taking for granted the things they do well and focusing on the ways in which they "fail". As a result, you'll often see frustration and hear comments like: "I can't do this." They need our help to change that focus. Hold the mirror up to them in a way that reflects their successes.

Remember too that success can be found both in what is happening and in what isn't happening. When your child is upset or frustrated, it takes effort and control on their part to avoid escalating their behavior. This too is an opportunity for recognition and in doing so you can help your child view him or herself in a different way. You will be more likely to see them exercise even more control in the future.

Questions? Comments? Observations?

Nurtured Heart review, part 1 (continued)

2. training shamu - Remember how whales don't naturally jump and thus the trainers start with the rope on the bottom of the pool so the whale has no choice but to succeed in going over it? The same is true with children. We must start where our children are to help them learn our expectations and achieve success. Only then can we slowly raise the bar of expectation.

Questions? Comments? Please share your experiences as "shamu's trainer".

Nurtured Heart review, part 1

In order to stand, a house must have a good foundation. Similarly, the Nurtured Heart Approach is most effective when built on a good foundation. Over the next few days, we will review the critical themes of the Nurtured Heart Approach.

1. the toll booth man - the art of perceiving the positive qualities in your child. All children, even the most challenging, are doing what is expected of them at least some of the time, and in most cases the overwhelming majority of the time. Please focus today on viewing your child through the eyes of the toll booth man.

Please post any stories about how you have made this work in your life or any questions/challenges with which you would like some support.