If you celebrate a December holiday, chances are your kids are becoming quite excited and energetic right about now. This is a perfect time to impress your friends and family using your Nurtured Heart strategies that we reviewed during November.
First of all, take a step back during those moments and, as the toll booth man, allow yourself to cherish their childlike enthusiasm. Would that we all could experience that unbridled joy.
But, we all know that good things also create stress. It is easy to forget this point and feel perplexed when our children exhibit signs of stress during the holidays. Whatever stress you are feeling they are feeling - without the coping mechanisms to deal with it that we, as adults, have picked up along the way.
If a situation is challenging try to determine which of the four basic human needs (power, freedom, fun, belonging) your children are striving to meet through their actions. Once you determine that, you can find creative ways to meet that need in ways that you feel are more appropriate.
During the hectic holiday pace, remember to be the Horse Whisperer: hijack your kids into success by maintaining some balance in their schedules. Kids thrive when they have predictability, adequate sleep, regular meals and healthy nutrition.
With all of the excitement, children often become over stimulated at the same time that they are fatigued from irregular schedules, less sleep and more activity. Just as in training Shamu, it may be necessary to adjust your expectations (lower the rope) for your children during this season. Often finding just a quiet moment to spend with your children giving them your time (relationship) while doing something together can be very soothing to them.
This is a busy, exciting time for parents as well. You may have the stress of hosting the entire extended family in your home, or packing to take the holiday "on the road". All this - while still keeping up with your normal busy lives. Keep in mind that children absorb their parents' emotions. Try to keep "toys r us" in the gift boxes. If you find yourself stressed and at the end of your rope, give yourself the gift of a little space.
Kids love the presents of course, but remember that the greatest gift you can give your children is your relationship with them. We wish all of you a warm and loving holiday.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Great blog! And I really needed the reminder. Here's a question - tips for dealing w/ public tantrums in a 3 1/2 y.o.? My younger daughter is going through this right now. I know we can't reason w/ them when they are in that space -- but what do we do? Just kind of get them out of there, then talk to them about it later? Or....? Looking forward to your resposne - Thanks! Evonne B
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - good for you for realizing that she "is going through this right now" and that it is not likely a sign of some significant problem. It is where she is developmentally at this time. The highest incidence of tantrum behavior occurs between the ages of three and five. That said, tantrums are disruptive and sometimes embarrasssing in public so of course you want to address this and do so in a way that does not reinforce the behavior. I would suggest a couple of things:
ReplyDeleteAt school we use what we call "pre-corrects" - we review the expectations or rules with kids prior to entering a new activity or situation. We do not threaten what will happen if rules are broken, just remind the children of what they are. This approach works very nicely for home life as well.
You of course are the expert on your daughter and I expect you are often able to anticipate which situations are likely to lead to a tantrum -- perhaps getting tired or hungry or being overexcited by a store full of enticing toys or sweets. If you have met her basic needs for rest and nourishment, another "pre-correct" before entering what you know will likely be a particularly challenging situation can be helpful.
In spite of that, there will still be the occasional break down of course. I commend you for recognizing that the midst of a public tantrum is not the time to try to reason with your child.
If you use "reset" in your family, I would recommend doing so as you see things begin to escallate. If she does pull herself together, remember to recognize and compliment that strength in a specific way.
If your daughter is not able to respond to reset successfully, or if you feel she is beyond even trying a reset, I would do one of two things:
If you feel she might be able to regain control, I would tell her very specifically what is needed using an "I need you to" or "Our rule is" command.
If you think that is unlikely to work or if you try it and it doesn't work, I would simply pick her up and leave. The good news is that at 3 1/2 she is still small enough for you to be able to exercise that control--another reason to address this behavior now. Having to interrupt what you are doing is inconvenient but necessary if your goal is to extinguish her tantrum behavior.
The mere act of not giving in and removing your daughter from the activity may serve to extinguish that behavior on future outings. If she has found her tantrums have worn you down to relenting just to keep the peace in the past, this will take longer but will still work if you persist in being calm and consistent.
It may or may not be necessary or effective to talk about the episode later, but you are wise to recognize that nothing productive will come from talking about it while your daughter is upset. If you do choose to address it, it is best to bring it up in a matter of fact, non-threatening manner during a calm moment. Remeber you are trying to teach a skill, not punish. In my work with children, I generally try to acknowledge what happened, reflect on what I think was going on or what they were feeling and problem solve by letting them know what needs to happen in the future and asking what I can do to help with that.
And just remember, as long as we don't inadvertently reinforce these behaviors, many of these developmental issues resolve themselves through maturation. I have yet to meet a child going off to college who was still throwing tantrums. :)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Sharon Vergis and I am the assistant editor of counselor.org. I am contacting you today in hopes of developing a relationship with your website; we have seen your site and think your content is great. Counselor.org is a purely informational site dedicated to the general Public.
I hope you show some interest in building relationship, please contact me at sharon.counselor.org@gmail.com.